Fruits and Vegetables Found to Cause Disease

(Day 93 – 274 To Go) April 1, 2008
Prompted by a recent study released by the National Institutes of Health yesterday (The Crawford Study), the USDA has announced a plan to recall all fruits and vegetables from the market and to begin paving over farms around the country, beginning in May. Many have been alarmed by this completely unexpected pre-emptive war on disease.

The FDA has backed up the decision stating that people will be spending much less on pharmaceuticals if they just stopped eating fruits and vegetables. Big Pharma is still in shock at the projected loss in profits. The Medicare Trustees announced that since fewer people will be stricken with diseases caused by fruits and vegetables, the Medicare Trust Fund would be solvent through the rest of the century.

Given the marketing muscle of the organic family farm, the move surprised almost everyone in government. Organic grocers have one of the most powerful lobbies in Washington, DC, and sink more than $10 billion each year into buying off members of both the House and the Senate. Apparently the current administration could not be influenced by these peaceful farmers’ pleas to keep the farms.

Mr. Bush tried to explain to a confused press corps exactly what happened: “They mis-underestimated me, plainly simple. Never again will the America be afeared by such a threat again.” Mr. Bush’s father is said to be relieved to never have to answer questions about broccoli again.

Inquiries can be sent to info@usda.gov.